


Stop looking Start Seeing

by Arokster67



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Character Death, M/M, Season 9 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-23
Updated: 2014-05-23
Packaged: 2018-01-26 06:35:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1678358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arokster67/pseuds/Arokster67
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel cannot handle the news of Dean Winchesters demise, he will search heaven and hell to save him only what can be saved when the one you love isn't who you thought they were? Will Castiel make it in time or is Dean lost to him forever?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stop looking Start Seeing

**Author's Note:**

> All mistakes are my own, it isn't perfect I don't claim my work to be, this was just a little idea that I had and I hope you enjoy it. Set directly after the season finale.

The room turned ice cold and all color drained from the world in an instant, millennia’s passed and time stood still simultaneously. The words reverberated around inside his head. “Dean Winchester is no more” the blood upon the silver blade glistened in the poor substitute light within this room. Cas felt his grace twist in anguish and screaming out in pain, in a sound that shatters through all dimensions so that even those angels past and present hear across the airwaves the pure sorrow that weighs heavy within him. “Dean Winchester is no more” the words fall thick in his mind as his world ceases to make sense. All that was is now nothing. 

Cas moves through the motions and is only vaguely aware of Hannah talking to him about being a leader of heaven now that Metatron is locked away. But Cas cannot think of that, he wishes for revenge he wishes to repay life for life as Father once taught, but Cas knows this is not the way of the new heaven.

“I just want to be a solider”

He walks away returning to the scene of where the news shattered his very existence. The strangely decorated office stood as it was, all the books in place even the type writer remained upon the desk. His gaze then fell upon the blade it too lay upon the desk still glistening with the blood of the man he had sworn to protect, the man he had saved, taken as a charge and fallen in love with. The man who Cas would have given up all humanity for. Dean was his humanity, the only one in all of creation who he placed such a high value on and now he was no more. Cas grace twisted again within him again, calling out for vengeance calling out for righteousness to prevail. He stares at the silver blade for a long time, he feels a sense of peace come upon him as he takes the blade within his own hand he knows he could carve the sigil into his chest return to heavens prison and focus the blast upon Metatron and make him pay for his sin. 

Cas knows if he returns to earth and witnesses Dean’s cold lifeless body then he would indeed return to heaven with one sole purpose. Metatron must die. He knows if he returns to earth and sees the one he had come to love was truly no more he would take his own life. Why would he continue on when his sole purpose of existing is no more?  
The image of Dean lying dead upon some cold dirty floor runs through his mind and he cannot shake it, the blood and pale complexion that would greet him is worse than anything he could possibly imagine here. But this image alone is enough, he closes his eyes as streams of hot tears roll down his cheeks, so many words left unspoken so many actions left untaken. How could Cas ever right this now?

He sits still motionless for the longest of time, he searches for meaning within himself, calls out to his father to give him direction but he is greeted by silence. He quiets his mind and wishes to hear Dean calling his name. He prays for Dean’s voice to appear like a benediction to him, to call to him to tell him it was all ok, for Dean to scream out to him and beg him to go to him to save him. But all Cas hears is silence. It is the worst. In all his years on existing the silence had never bothered him before, Dean was nothing more than a blip of moment in time and yet his loss is felt far greater than anything he has ever known before. The silence is overwhelming, no smart remarks no quick witted prayers no angry words yelled to him from below he hears nothing, his profound bond broken. He is broken. There was at least one part of him that was clinging on to a shadow, clinging to a moment of hope. He knows he is living on borrowed time his borrowed grace would surly burn him out and now, he has no reason to replenish it, he has no reason to continue on. He waits, unsure of time passing or of those who come and talk to him, with him? At him? He stopped paying attention, he has never in all his existence felt so empty. He looks ahead and sees Hannah stood by the door.

“The gates of heaven must be opened Castiel”

He nods in agreement, as a rush of hope flows through him, if he opens the gates of heaven he can search for Dean, with the gates open Dean’s soul would be free to return and he would be able to find him. And given his expected time left, he would use the last of his grace to return Dean to his brother. It would be Cas’ last dying wish for Dean to return to the living and live out the life he deserves free from this world of demons and angels. Cas stood and placed the bloody blade within his coat, it was his now, he would use it for one reason only now. To seek out justice for Dean. 

“I will open the gates Hannah, all the trapped souls will be allowed back into heaven” 

Cas turned away from Hannah and walked out the office with no intention of ever returning there ever again.

The locked portals to heaven had to be opened one by one and eventually all the reapers were told to start bringing the souls back to heaven returning them to their rightful places, human souls and angels alike were to be welcomed home.

Cas did not allow himself to think of the other option, the mark of Cain and the knowledge he has of the mark itched away inside the back of his skull and nagging knowing notion of what had become of Dean. But Cas refused to acknowledge that, that was even an option. Dean would be within the heavenly realm and Cas would find him. There was no other option. Dean Winchester was, is a righteous man and Cas would find him, Cas would not give up and would not let up until he had searched through all of heaven to find him.

Angels were rallying under one united banner again those who wished to return home did so and those who did not wish to return home did not. There was a sense of free will for those who wanted to remain on earth whilst others returned to the fold and were quickly given back old garrisons and old duties. Cas declined his old post as garrison leader, he chose his own path one that he would not sway from no matter who called to him. 

Heaven was a working organism again, fractions united to work a way to undo the spell to return the angels wings, but Cas could feel the change, as souls returned to heaven and as heaven became a place of peace and rest the souls once again powered the heavenly host. By being so close to the source it was already possible to feel the healing effects, and Cas is certain were it his own grace within him he would have been healing and his wings would be returning to him. But this borrowed, no, stolen grace is dying burning him out and he did not have the luxury of time to seek out his old grace. Which was most likely destroyed within the spell. However only Metatron would know for sure and Cas did not trust himself to not look upon that traitors face and not smite him. So Cas vowed to do this the only way he knew how, he would cross between heavens through the portals and back entrances and exits. He would find a way through all of heaven until he had found Dean. This was his charge his true nature, to find Dean. To find and care for his righteous man. 

The more Cas thought about it the more Cas felt his grace curl and twist in on itself, there were too many possibilities too many possible outcomes to this situation and he could not allow himself to dwell on those outcomes, he was hoping wishing praying that the outcome he wants is the one he finds. He finds himself smiling at how incredibly human that notion is, to disregard everything else in favour of the one thing you wish for no matter how rational the other options he was focusing on the one outcome he would live or rather exist with. Cas wandered from heaven to heaven the first few he came across he took his time to look around he waited to watch the differing events within each heaven, but it was so obvious they were not Dean that it hurt to watch. He knew what he was searching for, he knew to listen out for the rumble of the impala, or the light effortless laugh of a younger Winchester, he knew exactly what music to listen out for, what food to seek out and smell. But the more heavens he crossed into the further away from any of those things did he get. Cas was losing hope, he had found nothing. 

He pushed his way through darkness and light, through nature and buildings, until he came to a familiar place, he knew this place, the lights flickered within this small room and young boy with green eyes and freckles ran by him towards a beautiful blonde haired woman stood by a sink, she turned and smiled down at the boy. For a moment Cas froze in his spot he knew that smile, Dean had that smile, she picked up the small boy and pulled him close to her chest swaying him and singing to him. Cas knew this scene all too well, Dean often dreamed of this scene. This was his mother, Cas could see her soul shimmering in the realm created for her, everything else around her was a construct of her desires, she held the small boy to her and Cas felt his insides crush. His tears again welled up around his eyes, he knew this moment he knew it was the day before the tragic fire. Cas watched on, unable to move, unable to let go of this hold he had on this moment despite the young version of Dean being a construct from his mother’s heaven. Cas is drawn in like a moth to flame, he longed to reach out and know he had found what he had been searching for but this was not the place.

This was nothing, it was not his Dean there is no magnificent soul here, no bright light drawing him in, no clarity in the moment, it is a haze, almost wishful thinking that was not taking him where he needed to go. Cas was becoming frustrated, he needed to find Dean, he knew his time was limited, he knew he did not have time to waste. He had only one option, to return to the nerve center of heaven, to the one place where all the souls are listed, a data base of those who had found their way home. Cas had to hope by going there his intentions are pure enough that the gate keepers do not smite him on the spot. He would have to pass through the twelve gates to get to the great city to find the holy sanctuary. Cas knows travelling through the gates comes at a great risk, but he must reach the Erelim, the valiant ones who will have his answers. 

Cas moves forwards with steady determination anything to block out the image burned into the back of his mind, he needed to see Dean smile again, he needed to see his soul bright and untainted again. He needed to find Dean and nothing could stop this from happening, he would find Dean. He would return him and save him this is his duty, it is his charge he will save Dean. He walks on for a moment passing by the portal knowing he needed to move from the realm of souls to another, he sucks in a deep breath a habit formed from being within close proximity to the Winchesters, he had noticed Sam had a habit of sucking in sharp breaths whenever he is agitated. Cas sighed a fresh wave of guilt and pain washed over him, Sam, how could he have been so selfish to have not considered how Sam is dealing with all of this, his mind runs quite again but all he can hear is the slow beating of his vessels heart. He frowns as he pushes himself forwards one step at a time, each step feeling like a fresh weight of gravity drags him down, slowly trapping him within the spot but he refuses to give up, he has to continue he will not relinquish his quest here. He will find Dean Winchester and he will once more proudly proclaim “Dean Winchester is saved”. His grace aches for that feeling, a memory of that original feeling is over laid with the latest feeling of loss. It is all he can feel, the dull barren emptiness of nothing, edged with the worst pain he has ever known. He surmises that an eternity suffering in hell would be better than feeling this pain. He cannot place into words the sharp twist within that labels him a failure for letting Dean die. Dean was supposed to live, Dean is supposed to be fine. 

The world around him became bright to bright forcing him to his knees the images in his head dragged forwards, causing him to scream out in anguish again “Dean Winchester MUST live”. He forces himself to crawl the overbearing weight pushing down on him trying to prevent him from moving, leaves him unnecessarily breathless. He did not need to breath and yet within this moment he felt as though his lungs were burning, that his eyes were stinging his muscles ached and spasmed making it harder for him to move but he would not stop. He needed his answers and he would get them, he would find out where Dean Winchester is and he would save him. He would not have to see Dean lifeless he would see his Dean again and he would have a chance to make him give him the promise he once gave Sam, he would see that Dean would be happy. 

Castiel collapsed upon the bright cold floor, his eyes blinking in disbelief as before him he saw Dean, only it wasn’t Dean, the cold lifeless shell of what once was Dean lay before him, he screamed out his voice raw from screaming, he had no idea how long he had been like this, weeks, days, moments? It did not matter his voice was hoarse from screaming. “Dean Winchester will be saved”. He felt his will begin to buckle as his eyes fall upon the lifeless husk of a body, the Dean he knew was not what lay before him, it was all lies, he tried to move past it, but each time he moved the body moved further away, it was a never ending cycle. Cas forced himself to his feet, his eyes red and puffy from the crying, the emotion within him still running deep, his very essence still crying out for justice, for peace, he needed to find Dean to grant himself peace. 

“Castiel you should not be here”

The voice within his mind was loud and harsh yelling at his core, scratching at him within with a fierce resonance that made his grace quiver. He stood defiant and resolute he would get his answer.

“I am here for my answer”

“You are one who has decimated heaven, you have killed thousands and you have broken sacred rules, who are you to come here and demand answers!”

The voice drags through his core wrecking him once again to his knees, his hands up around his ears even though it has no effect the gesture is one that would be considered human and frivolous.

“I seek justice for a righteous man, I beseech you, please Erelim, I request your assistance”

He begs, pleads his grace pounding within to know the answer seeking out forgiveness and justice.

“You should not be here Castiel, your grace is stolen, you are weak, there is nothing you can offer us, not even servitude” 

The voice grates on his insides, burning his core he screams out now in agony, his grace depleting in Erelims presence. 

“I beseech you, Erelim, I wish to serve God, I wish to serve humanity”

“You serve Dean Winchester you cannot lie to us Castiel. Your intent is clear, there is nothing here for you, listen. What you seek is not here.”  
Cas feels his grace sink, the feeling of failure crushing down over him with astounding force. Dean is not in heaven.

“Are you sure, the gates have just opened again. He could be here” Cas tries again, he pushes himself towards the sound, it will cause him more pain, he will endure whatever he has to, to get the answers. “Dean has to be here” Cas pleads his heart now racing, his mind reeling at the prospect that what is so obviously clear is eluding his rational senses because he does not want to believe the answer he is receiving.

“Castiel you will stop, you are not welcome here, you are not permitted within the city” Erelim commands Cas to stop and Cas has to stop. He does not want to stop but he cannot disobey this order. “Dean Winchester is not here now Leave”

The command is absolute and Cas has to obey the pain reverberating within him sends him almost into shock along with the knowledge that Dean is not in heaven it leaves two options, Dean has refused to leave Earth or the unthinkable, Dean is back within hell.

Cas feels his world once again sink and flip, how can it be possible for Dean the righteous man to fall back within the pit? He has worked so hard towards redemption he has saved the world more times than any others, he growls as he forces himself on to his feet, he knows what he must do. Regardless of his weakened state he must return to hell, he will pull Dean free again.

The feeling of uncertainty is heady and disorientating, but Cas knows he has no time to waste, he has to leave, and he has to leave now with Erelim’s words in his mind Cas makes his way to the nearest portal. Knowing he has to first travel to Earth then to a reaper who will assist him in getting to hell. It is a treacherous journey but he has no choice, he needs to find Dean no matter the cost. He has to save Dean, that is all he knows.

The difference between heaven and hell is usually so stark in contrast that Cas usually suffers with the change, the thick scent of sulphur that clings in the air of hell usually over whelms his senses, but not anymore. He is dead to his senses he feels and senses nothing, his eyes are glazed over with once focus, Dean, he is searching for Dean’s soul. Crowley’s version of hell has not changed it is still ordered and easy to navigate.

He has very little here with him right now, his blade weighs heavy in his pocket but he will not use it except to seek out vengeance for Dean. He does not wish to alert the masses to his presence but he must navigate the levels of hell, he has an estimate as to where Dean will be, but Cas considers his obvious option, should he find the King of hell himself and ask Crowley where he is keeping Dean?

Cas headed towards the first door, past the initial gateway to hell, missing the shore of Acheron, as Cas is certain Charon would not let him pass. He is the gatekeeper to hell proper, Cas is able to slip by though an angel should stand out from those around him, he sees his dying grace as something of a camouflage. 

Cas knows where he is going to, he follows the streams of energy and burning stench of rotting flesh, the viscous smell latching on to his senses, he should be recoiling from the smell, from the way it bares down upon him. The dark streams latching onto his dim grace, slowing him down but he must not stop, he spots his final portal down to the ninth realm of hell, treachery where the first zone is called Caina, after Cain, aptly fitting for the description of where Dean should end up carrying the mark of Cain. 

Cas is certain he is being watched the hairs upon the back of his neck stand on end, his grace wishes to burn bright to decimate all around him. But he knows he cannot, he has to stay hidden from those around him, despite the nagging knowing feeling twisting within, something knows he is there, he is being watched there is no denying that. Cas pushes on through the foul depths of this realm of hell, little has changed in the millennia's that hell has been standing, the deep dark blues flittered in the slight light of the fiery pits, even the flames burned blue, cold. All around him is ice, a fortress of ice sculptures, the souls scream out in agony, their torture to forever have their shame laid bare for all to see, all their previous deaths mounting frozen corpse parts lay scattered across the floor. Those who are treacherous to kin are placed here, and by taking on the mark of Cain, Dean took on all the sins that befell this mark. This place will be his resting place, if Dean is in hell he is here. Cas sighs and steps towards the soul being slowly ripped apart by ice, the ice shards growing and splitting the very soul into pieces.

"I seek Dean Winchester"

Cas' voice is calm almost melancholy in the darkness, his own grace a shimmering blue lost within the back drop of wave upon wave of ice.  
The soul doesn't make a sound it is beyond it's ability to communicate as are all that are here. They are encapsulated within ice up to their chins whilst the ice drills within and breaks them apart piece by piece, their only reprieve is the instant they finally shatter and are rebuilt as they were and then it starts all over again. 

Cas looks around he has no sign on Dean, he searches the souls before him, seeking out something he recognises he steps through the tortured souls, the vast realm before him seemingly never ending as he moves towards the centre of the realm.

Cas is so lost within his thoughts for each soul he passes is another soul that is not Dean and he allows himself to hope, allows himself to believe the impossible. Dean Winchester is safe, so close to believing in his own hope he did not notice that he has been herded in to a corner. Two large hounds stood adjacent to him, trapping him against a wall, snarling drooling beasts snapping their teeth at him, he feels his grace flare he on instinct reaches for his blade ready to defend himself reminding himself that anything he does now is for justice for Dean and nothing more. He takes up a stance prepared to defend himself when from the shadows before him calls out an all too familiar voice.

"Well I expected to see one of you boys here, but I had my money on the moose making it here first"

"Crowley" Cas should have known, the one who had been following him the whole time. It was Crowley and his little pets.

"Castiel, pleasure as always" Crowley steps forwards and has both his hounds sit beside him. "what brings you to my neck of the woods?"

"I have come..."

"Castiel, you are wasting your breath I know why you are here, I was merely asking what you think coming here would solve? He is not a prisoner Castiel, he is a free demon as it were"

Cas' felt the blood drain from his face again. This is far worse than his initial hopes, he knew, he had been so blind to what he knew to be true, he has spent too long looking for hope and not seeing what was exactly in front of him. Dean wasn't trapped he wasn't lost, he was, he had become, Cas screamed out again across the planes of angel radio in a shattered tone, he knew that others would hear him and not care but he had to make it clear that he would not give up that Dean Winchester was not to be harmed. He glared at Crowley his hand slipping into his jacket his hand wrapping around the hilt of his blade.

"Where is he" he commands his eyes flashing bright blue, his power surging within, he would end Crowley if he had too, he had only one purpose now to save Dean from himself  
and prevent any others from doing him harm. 

"You want your little boy toy, well then Castiel, don't say I never give you anything, tell Moose I’ll be seeing him shortly" Crowley snapped his fingers and kicked the angel out of his hell.

Cas did not like being transported by a demon, it felt disorientating he pauses and for a moment he couldn't help smiling wondering if it is how Dean has felt all those time he's taken Dean places. Reality return to him all to quickly Cas felt dirty the stench of sulphur was all over him, he smelled like Crowley and that thought sickened him. He looked around at where he was and shook his head, it did not make any sense. He was within the men of letters bunker. He looked around the place was upside down, blood coated the walls Cas sucked in a deep breath and hoped it was not Dean or Sam's. 

Cas made his way around the bunker quietly, his fingers running over broken items, upturned chairs and tables, there had most certainly been a fight of some sort here, only to what end Cas was unsure. He found himself walking towards Dean’s room the bunker felt empty expect for the power emanating from here, Cas sucked in a breath all too human he reminded himself, but what Cas saw shocked him. He stood within the door way to Deans room and his eyes glanced around the room finally falling on the silhouette of a man he could never ever mistake for another, there stood Dean. His arms coated in blood up to his elbows, the form fitting Henley shirt clings to his muscled chest, his breathing was heavy Cas watched him breathing for a moment his mind focusing on that fact he was breathing. That fact that the shirt too is splattered in blood did not escape his attention, he had the shirt sleeves pushed up to his elbows and the blade was within his hand and Cas could see the effects of the blade coursing through his body. His soul that was once bright shimmering emerald with earth toned flecks all bright and shining is now dull edged with a fiery red that was slowly devouring all he was, Cas sucked in a sharp breath it was a relief to see the Dean he knew was still in there somewhere.

"Hello Dean"

Dean spun round and the look on his face caused Cas to flinch, he could be mistaken, but Deans soul was still there and if it survived forty years in hell it can make it through this, Cas had faith, he had faith in Dean, it had always been faith in Dean.

Dean appeared to be appraising Cas is some way he was, sizing him up. Cas sighed as Dean didn't answer he just stood there waiting on Cas to make a move. Cas pushed himself forwards his hands at his sides. He straightens himself up trying to assert himself as to not look weak but he keeps his hands at his sides to remain as non-threatening as possible, as he tries to work out what to do with this situation Dean looks almost feral lost to his own blood lust or rather the blades lust for blood. Cas watches him closely slowly approaching Dean, his hands still open at his side a hopeful sign that he is not here to harm Dean.

"What do you want Cas?"

"I came to check you were ok Dean, I have been concerned for you" Cas sighed his gaze never leaving Dean as much as it pains him to see Dean like this, he cannot help the joy radiating from him at the knowledge that Dean is alive. His soul is still fighting, untainted still ruling Dean, the mark, the blade had not over taken him just yet. He just needed to get Dean to hold on whilst he and Sam found a way to remove the mark,

Dean smiled at Cas but it seemed foreign upon his features it did not reach his eyes. Cas held his face impassive refusing to allow himself to frown at the man before him.

"Well you can see I'm fine Cas.." Dean shrugged and Cas dropped his gaze for a moment as he recalls Metatron telling him Dean was no more, his grace shrieked within him and the recollection.

"Metatron told me he had killed you Dean" Cas spoke voice quite broken his eyes already watering at the memory, it was to fresh and painful and he is struggling to see how this outcome is any better than if he was dead.

"Yeah well what can I say, death didn't take, it's a Winchester thing you of all people should know this Cas"

Cas' features turned stony as he stared at Dean holding his anger within him was becoming a hard task when Dean is being so brazen about what is happening here. "I saw your blood upon Metatrons blade Dean, I saw the truth in his eyes, he killed you, how are... What did... What is going on Dean" Cas finally Blurted out his emotions so clear as he lets his eyes fall upon Dean, all his hope and salvation lay upon this man before him and Cas didn't know how to explain any of this to Dean. He felt part of him shatter and break at the idea that his Dean was getting lost within the power struggle within him.

"Well he lied ok, I didn't die. I'm right here aren't I?" 

Cas looked away from Dean now, Dean was indeed here but it wasn't Dean not as he had come to know him. This man before him may as well have been a stranger to him. Cas dare not look into his eyes now he could not hold the gaze of this man before him when it was not the man he had come to save, he tried to think of all the options that he head here. He merely sighed and shook his head. “You are not here Dean, not really.”

“What the fuck are you on about Cas? I am standing right here, Dammit Cas! Where the fuck is Metadouche anyway?”  
Cas grimaced at the question and took a step back from Dean. “Metatron is within heavens prison, he shall never be set free Dean there is no way out for him” Cas nodded and watched as Dean’s eyes flared in anger.

“The fuck you on ‘bout Cas, you thought that bastard had killed me and you let him live?” Dean growled his eyes dark as he rolled his shoulders back and stared at Cas.  
Cas squared himself up and met Deans gaze head on. “You do not understand the delicate balance of heaven right now Dean”

“The fuck with the delicate balance Cas, I thought I meant something to you and you are going to let him go unpunished?” Dean’s jaw locked tight twitching under the obvious strain as he tried to restrain himself.

“I left heaven in search of you Dean! I have been searching heaven and hell for you, I was coming to save you” Cas nods his hands raising to implore Dean to stop and listen to him  
But Dean just growls and steps even closer to Cas, “You are just like everyone else aren’t you Cas? It was all a lie, you never cared about anyone but yourself” Dean snarled in Cas’ face.

Cas’ eyes flew open wide as he stepped back away from Dean trying to put a little distance between them. “Dean you do not mean that, I gave up an army for you, I have betrayed heaven more times than I can count for you, do not presume to know how I feel Dean!” Cas snapped back.

“Save it for someone who cares Cas, now where is this prison cell? Metadouche has to die, he is to blame for all of this, Kevin’s Death, your lack of grace, Sam’s guilt, it is all that bastards fault”

“Dean I will not allow you to kill Metatron, it is not the way of new heaven, no more angels shall die”

Dean growled his eyes flashing black as he squares himself up and reaches for Cas his fingers splaying wide to wrap around the thick pulsing column of Cas’ neck. “Metadouche will die and you will not stop me Cas, now tell me how to get to him”

“No Dean, this is not you, I will not let you do this” Cas remains motionless he needs to get through to Dean. He needs Dean to see this isn’t him, to know he doesn’t want this, it is down to Cas to get through to him.

“I want Metadouche, give him to me Cas” His grip around Cas neck tightens as he raises his hand pulling Cas up off the floor.

“No Dean” Cas squeaks out as Dean cuts off his ability to talk with the tight grip he has around him.

“You will give me what I want Cas, one way or another” Dean raised Cas up and then slammed him down into the floor, the floor under Cas splintering under the force he raises his arms to cover his chest from Dean’s next attack, he doesn’t want to hit Dean back. He cannot bring himself to attack Dean back, this isn’t Dean.

“Dean Stop this!”

Cas attempts to talk but he is silenced by a right hook to his jaw, long gone are the moments where Dean would break his hand on Cas’ face, now each punch from Dean weighs heavy against Cas, he feels his jaw bone fracture his lip split as hit after hit Dean lays into Cas.

Cas tries to push Dean away, he shoves Dean back, watching him stumble away Cas stands up and holds his arms up again to Dean. “Dean stop this, stop”  
Dean surges forwards again slamming Cas into the wall pinning him there, Dean growls glaring his eyes locked on Cas. “Just tell me what you know Cas” Dean snarls his fists raptly slamming into Cas’ frame.

Cas felt his bones break his muscles tearing as Dean drags him and slams him into the wall and floor all for answers Cas will not give him no matter what Dean does to him. Cas spent several moments settling into his disposition of bracing himself to take what Dean is going to give to him, working out his defences. He felt Dean begin to lose control the careful measured blows of before start to dissolve into a maddening blow by blow pounding him into the ground. Cas fell to his knees looking up through swollen eyes reaching up to grab Deans wrist yelling “DEAN STOP”.

Dean ignores him his blood lust the sole focus of his rage now, he no longer asked about Metatron and Cas knew he had lost Dean right now, all he could do was try to get through to him.

“Dean it’s me Cas, look at me, Dean, come on Dean fight this” Cas gripped Deans wrist tighter but to no avail Dean wasn’t paying any attention the blade was within his hand and Cas could see the power surge through him. He could see the moment Dean slipped, the moment the blade took over, the fiery red engulfed his soul surrounding it fully. Cas swallowed down thickly and began to accept his fate he knew what was coming and he had nothing left to lose. If Dean was truly gone if Dean, his Dean had truly become this, there was nothing left for Cas to fight for. Cas’ grace shivered at the idea but there was only one possibility to get away from this, they were both going to have to die, he just needed to shrug Dean free long enough to get to his blade to carve his mark and then he could destroy both Dean and himself and end Deans suffering. Cas could not let Dean continue on like this, this was not the Dean he knew, not the Dean who would sacrifice himself for the world. Cas had no choice if Dean was gone what else could he do?

Cas’ grace twisted in pure agony the idea of hurting Dean was more than he could comprehend but this was, is for the best. It does not make it any easier to except but this is the way it is, And Cas will save Dean. One way or another Dean will be saved his body and mark destroyed his soul will return to heaven and Cas will cease to exist but this is ok as long as Dean is saved. 

Dean sensed a change in Cas and this riled Dean up more. How could an Angel give in so easily? He wrestled within himself, Cas was once a friend yet he isn’t helping, he is keeping Dean away from taking out the one creature in all existence that deserves to pay. This made Dean feel an anger he did not understand, he could not explain it but it was overwhelming him. Dean slammed Cas into the bedside table shattering it under him dragging him across the floor he could not understand why Cas was doing this, why Cas wouldn’t just tell him! He felt the rage bubble up inside him as he slammed Cas into the wall, his fists ramming into Cas’ ribs and stomach, his knuckles slamming against his jaw. Each blow earning a pained cry from Cas but Dean did not let up the pain did not register, all Dean knew was he wanted answers Cas had the answers and Cas was going to give him the answer or die.

Cas screamed out as Dean continued to pummel him, he shoved and fought back but to no avail, Cas didn’t want to harm Dean and with each passing moment that he did not fight back Dean was losing more and more of himself. Cas balled his fists and started to slam them against Deans chest, pushing and shoving Dean away from him. His fists connected with Dean’s jaw and ribs, he kicked out and something within Dean snapped at this, no longer just using his fists Dean drew the first blade and charged at Cas, Cas’ back hit the wall again and with a loud pained scream Cas felt the blade sink into his stomach.

Cas screamed out Deans name, the pain not from the blade but from Dean, from the fact that Dean is so far gone he was willing to kill him. He whimpered Deans name over and over again as the blade sunk deeper into his chest, the blade almost at his heart his hands that were balled up gripping and tugging at Deans shirt flatten out and sooth over his chest now the fight quickly draining from Cas.

Cas voice no barely a whisper as he stares at Dean “it is ok Dean, I forgive you Dean, I know you are in there and it is ok, I forgive you.”  
Dean snapped the softly spoken words making their way through the darkness to his soul, he looks around quickly his eyes wide as he looks down to see his own hands covered in blood the blade deep within Cas’ chest. He gasps his eyes softer now as he looks to Cas panic washing over his face, he feels sick, the blood drains from his face, he aches and he vaguely remembers the fight it makes his core ache with despair.

“Cas! W-w-what happened? it’s ok, I got you” Deans hands remain where they are almost too afraid to move and make it worse.

“Dean is it ok, do not blame yourself for this, just hold on Dean. Never give in. I need you to do that for me. Can you do that for me?” Cas forces a smile, his grace sparking making his eyes flash blue, the wound in his chest sparking too as his grace starts to burn out. He knows he doesn’t have long left and his only concern is that he cannot save Dean before he perishes he has to have faith that Dean can make it through this on his own. But that isn’t hard he has always had faith in Dean and if anyone can do this, it is Dean Winchester the righteous man who stopped the apocalypse. Yes Cas knows if anyone can undo the damage to himself that the mark has done then it would be the bright stubborn soul of Dean Winchester. 

Dean frowns and reaches up one hand to cup Cas’ face not paying heed to the smear of blood that is now wiping across Cas’ cheek as he shakes his head. “You will be ok Cas”  
Cas shook his head he knew he wasn’t ok and Dean needed to know that it was ok. Cas sighed and leaned forwards. “Dean everything is ok, I promise you. You do not need to worry about this, find Sam and save yourself. Please Dean.” Cas felt his eyes well with unshed tears there were still so many things he needed to say except he didn’t know how to tell Dean even now how could he explain that he will happily give his life for Dean. That he loves him. That Cas has always loved Dean since he first laid eyes on him in hell and saw his defiant soul wrestling with that he was becoming he had always and will always love Dean.

Dean shook his head. “I refuse to let you go Cas, we can find a way around this, we always do. You can’t go Cas, you can’t leave me. I need you Cas” Dean felt his heart clench he could see Cas was slipping away his eyes flashed a dim blue the wound in his chest seemed to leak in streams of a fading glow. Dean pulled the blade free and watched as Cas sparked he instantly regretted pulling the blade free, he saw Cas fading faster and Dean couldn’t stop the tears that now rolled from his eyes and down over his cheeks he gazed upon Cas and knew he had lost the only true friend he had ever had. “I am so sorry Cas”

“Do not be sorry Dean, find Sam, save yourself and consider us even” Cas slumped forwards leaning against Dean and into Deans touch, Cas didn’t want to move away from Dean he wanted to stay like this a few moments more. Cas sucks in a deep breath and let his muscles crumple down, he and Dean sink down to the floor. “Dean?” Cas whispers his strength fading fast.

“Yeah Cas?” Dean looked down his arms now around Cas, he had become so cold to touch the blood spilled from him slowly spilling out all over Dean.

“I love you Dean Winchester, I need you to know that” Cas whispers weakly his arms falling limp no longer able to hold on to Dean.

“No Cas don’t say that now, not now” Dean stammered as he pulled Cas closer to him refusing to let go, tears spilling down as he leaned in almost tempted to nuzzle into his hair.  
Cas looked up at him knowing it was now or never, and in that moment he used the last of his strength to push himself forwards and crushed his lips to Deans kissing him softly both their eyes close as they fall into the moment as Cas slowly let go of holding on. His grace flickers and burns out as Dean kisses back and Cas drifts off into nothingness there is a flash of light and it is all over.

Dean opens his eyes to discover Cas lays dead in his arms scorched broken tattered wing marks scorch the floor, the blade discarded beside them as he holds Cas against his chest. The tears flowing as he lets out a choked sob of Cas name, unable to let go of this moment the feel of Cas lips still on his almost a dream or wishful thinking as he stares down to the angel who had given him everything “I love you too you stupid son of a bitch.” 

Dean stays holding Cas refusing to move or let go pressing a tender kiss to Cas’ cold damp forehead, there is nothingness now. Dean thought he had known pain, none of that compared to the soul ripping pain he felt right now, it took him too long to admit it and now the only person aside from Sam he has ever truly loved lays dead in his arms.  
Dean choked out the salty tears rolling down coating his lips as he swallows down a never ending lump in his throat “I will always love you Cas, I wont give up not on you not on us”.


End file.
